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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23158420">Hydrangea blues</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/allegedlyanandroid/pseuds/allegedlyanandroid'>allegedlyanandroid</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood, Elijah Kamski &amp; Gavin Reed are Siblings, Feelings Realization, Gavin Reed Needs a Hug, Gavin Reed Whump, Hanahaki Disease, Heavy Angst, M/M, More Like no Coping Mechanisms to be Honest, Non-Explicit Sex, Sad with a Happy Ending, Sick Character, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Upgraded Connor | RK900 Needs a Hug, Vomiting, they kiss and make up</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 11:55:01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,490</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23158420</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/allegedlyanandroid/pseuds/allegedlyanandroid</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Gavin's mounting feelings for his partner expresses themselves as budding flowers and as beautiful as they are, he can only live with them taking up a progressively larger space in his lungs for so long. His stubborn refusal to believe himself worthy of any amount of love or affection is bad enough on it's own but coupled with him refusing to come clean to his partner, Nines, the consequences are sure to be disastrous.</p>
<p>Not all stories have a happy ending, but this one just might.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Upgraded Connor | RK900/Gavin Reed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>195</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Reed900</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Hydrangea blues</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>cw: blood, vomiting</p>
<p>[Hanahaki disease]<br/>A person suffering from the disease coughs up petals and flowers as a result of one-sided love. It ends either when the feelings are returned or the victim dies. </p>
<p>It's possible to cure through surgical removal but in doing so the romantic feelings for their beloved ceases to be. Different interpretations can mean that either it's impossible to ever foster romantic attraction/feelings for that particular person again or that no feelings of any kind, even platonic, can develop after a successful operation. </p>
<p>I've put the meaning of the flowers used in this story in the end notes for those who are curious.</p>
<p>Also, I had some trouble tagging and rating this particular work so if any of you lovely people feel I've made an error, or I've left out any tags, please contact me so I can correct my mistake.</p>
<p>"Happy" reading.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Hydrangea blues</strong>
</p>
<p>Gavin wasn’t quite certain how it began, this... <em>disease</em> spreading like vines in his lungs and creeping steadily up his throat as time progressed. Thorns ripping through the delicate inside of his trachea; damning him to a life of constant agony. The blood isn’t even the worst part of it. It’s the damned petals clogging his windpipe making it harder and harder to breathe.</p>
<p>Thinking back on it, he figures that the first seeds were planted the day Nines and him were partnered. When the entire bullpen had held their breaths, certain he’d blow up and turn his ire on the new android.</p>
<p>He hadn’t.</p>
<p>He’d nodded, cast a fleeting glance in RK900’s direction and asked if that would be all. Perhaps gratitude hadn’t been the only thing choking him up. There had been no one to turn to for help after the revolution with people continuously refusing to see how he’d struggled to keep his head above water with the increased workload. It had been taxing to say the least and truth be told he wouldn’t have been able to keep it up for much longer.</p>
<p>(You threaten to shoot an android once and you’re a social outcast for life; no matter that Hank had done the same if not arguably worse.)</p>
<p>The first sprouts came when Nines had laughed at some dumb pun and turned a soft, radiant smile on him though his eyes still shined with surprise. As if he didn’t think Gavin could be fucking hilarious if he wanted to thank you very much.</p>
<p>As the ice between them thawed it had been so very easy to fall.</p>
<p>Every fond, if resigned, look or the faintest brushing of hands another nail in his coffin as Gavin fell just the tiniest bit harder.</p>
<p>And it was killing him.</p>
<p>-~-</p>
<p>It all came to a head a few months later, two to be exact.</p>
<p>They’d ended up arguing over something trivial. A missed detail in one of their cases had them chasing shadows, a dead-end in another; overall a shitty week that set them both on edge.</p>
<p>The arguing had gradually turned into a fullblown shouting match which ended with Gavin bent over one of the toilet seats, retching, as blood and petals mixed with the clear water in the bowl. Behind him Nines knelt, awkwardly rubbing between his shoulders, face white as a sheet.</p>
<p>“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asks quietly, once Gavin had wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and sunk down to rest against the wall.</p>
<p>"Because you had your hands full. I didn’t feel it necessary to burden you with my problems as well,” Gavin says and gives him a tired smile stained with crimson. “Go back to your desk. I’m sure they’re all wondering where you are.”</p>
<p>With his gaze focused on his hands, Gavin misses the way his words cause Nines to flinch beside him. “I’ll tell Captain Fowler to give you the rest of the day off.”</p>
<p>Gavin glares daggers at him but doesn’t argue further, aware of the futility of trying to change Nines’ mind once its set. Nines can’t help but feel a small stab of guilt since him being stubborn is the reason they’re sitting on the dirty bathroom-floor in the first place. The helpless whining and gagging breaths still seemingly echo in the room.</p>
<p>Nines hesitates by the stall door and reaches out with a tentative hand to gently stroke over Gavin’s hair, watching as he closes his eyes and, for a split-second, leans into the affection. “Anything you need just ask, alright?”</p>
<p>Gavin doesn’t answer. He keeps his eyes firmly shut and waits until he hears the door close with a muted sound before he raises himself on shaky legs. He rinses his mouth in the sink and drags himself to his car. It’s a struggle to keep awake for the trip home and he collapses face-first into bed the second he’s able.</p>
<p>-~-</p>
<p>The next morning he’s feeling marginally better; not that it’s much of an achievement. Khoshekh lies curled against his back and he chirps excitedly at the prospect of food when Gavin stirs.</p>
<p>It’s with no small measure of shame Gavin realises he’d forgotten to feed him after returning home the previous day and so he fills the bowl a tad more than usual and rubs the special spot below Khoshekh’s left ear that never fails to have him melt into a content puddle of fur.</p>
<p>Coughing lightly into his closed fist he notices the inconspicuous note laying on his kitchen table for the first time. It reads:</p>
<p>
  <em> ‘<strike>Dear</strike> Gavin, in light of what happened yesterday I’ve asked Fowler to allow you the remainder of the week off so that you may get some rest and regain your strength. <span class="u">No arguing.</span> Rest well, I’ll be by later to see that you do, </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>- Nines’</em>
</p>
<p>Gavin smirks at the thinly veiled threat, somewhat touched despite himself at the genuine concern Nines apparently feels for his well-being. Taking a deep, shuddering breath he wonders, sardonically, if the rattling in his lungs is caused by grave-dirt or something wholly different. It would be fitting, he supposed, if the first one proved to be correct.</p>
<p>Deciding against breakfast he wraps himself up in a blanket and falls asleep again almost as soon as his head hits the pillow.</p>
<p>-~-</p>
<p>It's not long until he’s coughing up entire flowers. The blue hydrangeas are the worst by far but even the smaller yarrow and delicate pink camelias are hell when they come multiple at a time.</p>
<p>He barely eats anymore, knowing he’ll just cough until he vomits anyway, and it makes his energy levels plummet further. His skin is sickly and pale with dark circles beneath his eyes like bruises. Tina worries and he hates himself all the more when he can’t bring himself to tell her what’s wrong with him. Gavin takes to actively avoiding her, avoiding everyone really, and quietly filing paperwork until his eyes water from staring at the screens.</p>
<p>Tina gives up eventually, after the third time she has to plead through his locked bedroom door to just talk to her, <em>please</em>. Her spare key lies on his hallway table come morning and it’s all Gavin can do to bite back tears at the sight, made all the harder when he sees the homemade yakgwa placed carefully in neat rows in a box on his kitchen table.</p>
<p>In the quieter moments he tries and fails to tell himself he doesn’t deserve this.</p>
<p>-~-</p>
<p>“No one is worth this amount of suffering Gavin,” Nines tells him, still rubbing a hand in broad strokes over his back, while Gavin empties his lungs in an alley next to their latest crime scene. Thankfully he can blame the tears in his eyes on the stabbing pain in his chest instead of mirth at his partner’s cluelessness.</p>
<p>“He is,” Gavin rasps and hacks up another mouthful of sweet-tinged copper after noticing the devastated look in Nines’ pale irises.</p>
<p>“Not if he won’t have you.” Nines’ voice is earnest, sounding a tad too close to Connor’s for Gavin's comfort. “You deserve better than this.” <em>Than him,</em> is left unsaid.</p>
<p>“No. I don’t.”</p>
<p>Finality hangs heavy in the air when one of the other officers calls them back into the one-bedroom apartment stinking of rot. He prefers it over watching Nines try, and fail, to remain unmoved in the wake of Gavin’s casual disregard for his own wellbeing. It should make him feel better, that Nines feels some form of pain for doing this to him however unwillingly.</p>
<p>The only thing he feels is empty.</p>
<p>-~-</p>
<p>Nines brings up the topic of surgery only once and apologises almost immediately after Gavin’s reaction is anything but welcoming.</p>
<p>Gavin doesn’t speak to him for a week regardless.</p>
<p>-~-</p>
<p>Moment of truth.</p>
<p>Gavin slides the keycard into its designated spot and turns the key in the lock after it blinks green. The locks disengage with a muted click and despite the bone-deep weariness weighing him down Gavin can’t help but smile to himself.</p>
<p>He navigates the house with half-forgotten directives and finds his brother in his study, sipping amber liquid from a crystal glass while reading. There’s surprise in his eyes when he looks up to see Gavin hovering in his doorway, skittish as a colt.</p>
<p>“I understand why you did it,” Gavin says before Elijah can speak, before he can say something that will inevitably have Gavin’s hackles rising and storming off in a huff. “I... <em>hate</em> it. I’m sorry I didn’t support you when you needed me.”</p>
<p>Elijah’s eyes widen a fraction more as realisation slowly settles over the hard lines of his face, although he remains stubbornly silent.</p>
<p>Gavin shuffles a bit on his feet. Elijah had never been the same after the operation. Cold and apathic, lacking empathy. They'd thrown insults at each other (Gavin’s passionately loud and Elijah’s barbed, cutting, opening deep wounds that bleed for months, years) until they couldn’t bear so much as being in the same room as one another. Gavin had wanted his brother back, the one he remembered anyway, and too caught up in his own grief hadn’t been able or willing to mend bridges. The risk had been so small, insignificant in the grand scheme of things, yet Elijah had been one of the unlucky few to lose his ability to express and feel emotions in the same way he had before.</p>
<p>It wasn’t fair.</p>
<p>“I know that I have no right to ask-” Gavin continues, inhaling wetly and scared to death of seeing cold rejection in Elijah’s eyes should he dare raise his gaze from the floor, “-but I’d appreciate it if you could pretend not to hate me for a few hours. I just- I just really need a hug and for someone to tell me everything will be okay. <em>Please</em>.”</p>
<p>A thump rings loudly between them when the book slides from Elijah’s lax fingers to the floor and nary a second later Gavin is pressed into a firm chest with comforting strength; enveloped in a scent he hadn’t known he missed. He’s ashamed that it takes little more than this one small act of kindness for him to weep helplessly, ugly sobs ripping their way out from deep within his ribcage until they turn into hulking coughs.</p>
<p>He cries himself to sleep for the first time in years while Elijah murmurs halting reassurances; all-the-while rocking him like a child. And later, Chloe runs delicate fingers through the matted, greasy strands of his hair after she finds them on the floor covered in blood and sopping flowers.</p>
<p>-~-</p>
<p>Gavin spends the majority of the following morning talking Elijah <strike>and Chloe</strike> out of committing first degree murder and leaves feeling just the tiniest bit lighter, though in all honesty that might just be the blood-loss talking.</p>
<p>He finishes the last draft of his final will and testament that day.</p>
<p>-~-</p>
<p>Eventually Fowler pulls him from active duty and it’s a testament to how drained Gavin feels that he accepts it without so much as a curse, simply bowing his head down in defeat before trudging back to his desk to try and focus on the words swimming dizzyingly over the screen.</p>
<p>The bullpen hasn’t been this quiet in years. Not since Tina and Gavin started working there, rookies with a boisterous attitude, and if Gavin was in a better state of mind, he might have noticed how it affected his fellow officers to the negative.</p>
<p>It’s strange how the absence of the most menial of sounds can have such an effect on someone.</p>
<p>It's strange that anyone would miss loud, ruckus laughter and the screeching of insults in a voice too full of laughter to be angry.</p>
<p>It's strange how guilt weighs heavy on one's heart for not noticing his steady decline sooner.</p>
<p>-~-</p>
<p>Nines knows how much he hates to be seen as weak by his peers and Gavin is eternally grateful for his help in concealing his condition. He wouldn’t have been able to stand the whispering and side-eyes if they were gossiping over how he was dying of a broken heart.</p>
<p>As far as anyone else knows it’s a nasty case of the flu or whooping cough or tuberculosis, whichever one they’ve decided to go with for that week.</p>
<p>Maybe he shouldn’t allow Nines to bring him heated water-bottles for his aching chest or keep him company in his quiet apartment where even Khoshekh, who’s not the greatest lover of casual affection, has taken to curling up in his lap or next to him most nights - yowling like a banshee if Gavin doesn’t give him his undivided attention. As if he knows their time together is limited.</p>
<p>Nines’ presence always seems to make his condition worse somehow and yet... he can’t bring himself to send him away either when he catches a glimpse of the near-constant swirling of red on Nines’ temple. Guilt claws away at his insides at the sight. It's a familiar feeling by that point.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Gavin hates hurting him, even now.</p>
<p>-~-</p>
<p>He</p>
<p>can’t</p>
<p>breathe.</p>
<p>This attack is worse than any other before it and Gavin can’t seem to draw air into his lungs no matter how hard he struggles. Nines is frantic, hands fluttering over Gavin’s curled up form, unable to settle, while he speaks to the emergency services. Gavin takes one of them in a waning grip to place over where his heart beats an irregular rhythm beneath his ribs. Where his chest heaves and strains. “’M so-<em>orry.</em> I-”</p>
<p>Nines shushes him gently but Gavin’s never been one to know when to quit. He’s stuttering progressively weaker 'you’s,' over and over again; not able to hack out the words he so desperately wants to say. Unlike the damned flowers covering the carpet in his bedroom; still falling from his parted lips.</p>
<p>Sirens echo in te distance as darkness frays the edges of his vision. And then, when he slips towards unconsciousness, he thinks he can hear Nines tell him those same words. The ones he’s so badly been longing to hear.</p>
<p>Too little, too late.</p>
<p>-~-</p>
<p>Hospitals are one of the absolute worst places he can think of to be. The overhead lights are dimmed down, signalling the nightshift. He presses the call button with weakened fingers and a nurse bustles in mere seconds later. He claws at the tube shoved down his throat until the nurse takes his hands away, gently but firmly. A doctor is called as well but Gavin isn’t interested in hearing their explanations. They relent eventually, after a brief discussion amongst themselves, and remove the ventilator.</p>
<p>A familiar tickle in his throat has him struggling to move to his side as he coughs up another round of flowers. Strangely decaying and with their roots intact. The nurse praises him, telling him it’s good he’s coughing up the sickness.</p>
<p>He doesn’t have the strength to tell her to shut up.</p>
<p>-~-</p>
<p>The next time he wakes it’s still dark outside and Elijah Kamski is sitting in the chair next to his bed. Being a multi-billionaire has its perks even if it’s for something as simple as circumventing those pesky visiting hours hospitals seem to follow religiously. Though apparently it’s not enough to escape the uncomfortable, plastic fold-up chairs they have to offer.</p>
<p>Elijah helps him sit up and take a few sips of water to help ease his parched throat.</p>
<p>“I want out of here,” Gavin says, hoarse and crackling.</p>
<p>Elijah says nothing.</p>
<p>A nurse is called in. It takes half an hour for them to properly go through the potential risks of checking himself out so early in his treatment. Sepsis or other equally as terrifying conditions may set in should he be unable to purge the remaining debris from his lungs. He'll be coughing up decay for a few more days but if it stretches out to more than a week, he needs to come back in. Elijah assures them he will and it doesn’t irritate Gavin the way it might have done in the past.</p>
<p>He spends the night at his brother’s and for once he’s certain that it’s Elijah’s own way of showing concern.</p>
<p>They stay up late watching favourite movies from a time long past and Gavin’s sure he sees Elijah’s lips quirk up in a smile more than once. He’s grateful for the distraction in all honesty, afraid of searching his own feelings and finding them gone. Especially in regards to a certain android of his.</p>
<p>-~-</p>
<p>It’s the morning after and he returns to the sanctity of his own apartment, freshly showered and more energetic than he’s felt in months. Khoshekh doesn’t greet him when he walks in the door and the mess in his bedroom is cleaned up, leaving the lingering smell of lemon-scented cleaning supplies in the air. He wonders who’s taken his cat under their wing during his time indisposed in the hospital. Might be Tina if he hasn’t lost her entirely by now. Or N-</p>
<p>He stops that thought in its tracks.</p>
<p>Reverently, he traces fingers over the spines of beloved books and the scratches in his wallpaper from before Khoshekh learned not to claw at any and all things that did or didn’t move, with a strange feeling tugging at his heart. He never thought he’d see this place again and something like wistful contentment overwhelms him for the briefest of moments.</p>
<p>A knock on the door pulls him from his thoughts and he’s not even halfway done with comprehending the sound before the door swings open and Nines steps inside.</p>
<p>His ED is still beckoning red and he makes a half-aborted motion to reach towards Gavin when he’s close enough to touch, abandoning it mid-way as if he thinks the gesture would be unwelcome.</p>
<p>Gavin is all at once slammed with an overwhelmingly strong feeling of unadulterated affection though tinged slightly by an edge of sour betrayal. Perhaps he’s being too harsh. After all... Nines hadn’t been the only one too cowardly to express his feelings properly.</p>
<p>The dumb part is Gavin’s forgiven him long before Nines opens his mouth to ask it from him.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry.”</p>
<p>It devolves from there until Nines is repeating the phrase feverishly into Gavin’s skin, again and again like a broken record, while tears wet the fabric of his shirt. Perhaps it’s not the best way to enter a physical relationship but they both seem to need the affirmation that they're both hail and whole.</p>
<p>Nines trails kisses down his chest right there on the living room carpet. Careful not to press too hard; as if afraid to cause Gavin more harm when he slides fingers over scars and moles and freckles and whatever other odd mark declaring Gavin to be so splendidly, imperfectly <em>human</em>. The apologies never cease either - even when Gavin counters every single one of them with reassuring words of his own.</p>
<p>“It’s okay, it’s alright,” he murmurs when Nines buries himself deep inside him, like a puzzle-piece finally slotting into its correct place. Gavin captures Nines’ lips with his own to end his tirade. “You’re here now,” Gavin says over and over. “It’s not your fault.”</p>
<p>Nines lets out a broken cry and continues rocking his hips slowly, unhurried, but no less needy for it while Gavin welcomes him with fluttering muscles and limbs wrapped securely around him to keep him close.</p>
<p>Gradually the tune changes until Nines is whispering 'I love you’s,' in a sweet, never-ending stream. It continues even when his voice breaks and fizzles with static. Gavin moans, says it back for the first time in its entirety while writing it on Nines’ bared throat with his fingertips.</p>
<p>He’s never felt this way before. The intensity of emotions frightening when he knows how easy it would be for Nines to tear him down. Although, while locking gazes with Nines, he knows without a shadow of a doubt that it goes both ways. How he could ever have though androids to be soulless and unfeeling is beyond him not when the complete opposite is written clear as day in the depth of Nines’ pale eyes.</p>
<p>Nines' hips stutter against his, filling him to the brim with warmth, and Gavin throws his head back with a whimpering mewl as he follows Nines over the edge.</p>
<p>Sated and spent they lie on their sides, facing each other, taking each other in, while the sweat dries on Gavin’s skin. Nines hasn’t stopped touching him, although he seems content enough for the time being with hooking their pinkies together and breathing in the air Gavin expels from his lungs.</p>
<p>Eventually they’ll need to speak, to talk things over. Set their relationship firmly in the sand, create boundaries and establish roots on which to build their partnership.</p>
<p>It can wait a bit longer while they catch their breaths and bask in the sensation of feeling content and <em>alive</em>.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>By no means am I an expert in the language of flowers, this was a literal 10 minute google search so feel free to correct me in the comments!</p>
<p>•Blue Hydrangea – forgiveness, regret, deep sorrow or rejection<br/>•Yarrow – everlasting love<br/>•Pink Camelia – longing for you </p>
<p>I was listening to a song called 'Slå mig hårt i ansiktet' by Thomas Stenstöm while writing this. It's in Swedish so I doubt it'll make a lick of sense to anyone who don't know the language but believe me when I say it's fitting.</p>
<p>Come say hi to me on <a href="https://allegedlyanandroid.tumblr.com">Tumblr,</a> if you want to</p></blockquote></div></div>
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